We all make mistakes.  No one is perfect.
Some mistakes are permanent and can't be corrected.
Some mistakes are more painful and lasting.

As a pessimistic, I will not expect forgiveness or redemption.  While I still will hold out for a flicker of hope, I have to face reality.  I have to use the lessons I learned to grow and become a better person.

I hope one day, I will be able to look back to these entries and drafts, and see a person that I cannot recognize.
I hope one day, (after many more entries on random unrelated topics), a reader will wonder if it's the same person writing.

Is it possible I'm not capable of love? My mind doesn't know what to do at that point? My inner-conscious initiates self sabotage?

I hope not. I hope I can prove myself wrong about this in the future.

I was unable to retrieve access to my old account at luucifer.blogspot.com. I hope one day  I will be able to fix this problem.  I don't want to forget how I felt before.  But I will discuss more on that later.